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You may be a redneck if

 This one goes waaay back.  I dug up this very popular item from the archives.
Reposted March 2007 - originally posted sometime in 2003 or earlier.

This is probably from Jeff Foxworthy 

 

You May Be A Redneck If ...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3. You've ever used lard in bed.

4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

8. Fewer than half of your cars run.

9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".

11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

13. Your family tree doesn't fork.

14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

15. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

16. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

17. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

18. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

19. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

20. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

21. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

22. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

23. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

24. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

25. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

26. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

27. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

28. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

29. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

30. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

31. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

32. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

33. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

34. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same...they're a redneck too!)

35. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

36. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

37. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

38. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

39. You've been too drunk to fish.

40. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

41. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

42. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

43. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

44. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

45. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

46. You've ever financed a tattoo.

47. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

48. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

49. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

50. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

51. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

52. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

53. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

54. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

55. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

56. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

57. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

58. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

59. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

60. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

61. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

62. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

63. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...

64. Redman sends you a Christmas card.

65. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

66. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

67. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

68. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

69. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

70. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

71. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

72. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

73. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

74. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

75. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.

76. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

77. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

78. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

79. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

80. You mow your lawn and find a car.

81. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

82. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

83. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

84. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

85. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

86. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

87. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

88. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

89. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

90. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".

91. You've ever made change in the offering plate.

92. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"

93. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

94. You own at least 20 baseball hats.

95. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

96. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

97. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

98. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."

99. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

100. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.

101. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!

102. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"

103. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love

104. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

105. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

106. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

108. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

109. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.

110. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

111. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

112. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

113. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

114. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

115. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'

116. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

117. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

118. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

119. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

120. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

121. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

122. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

123. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen

124. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco

125. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle

126. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

127. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)

128. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,

129. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

130. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

131. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide

132. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

133. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

134. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

135. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

136. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

137. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

138. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

139. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)

140. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

141. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

142. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

143. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

144. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

145. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "

146. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

147. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

148. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

149. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

150. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

151. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

152. Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

153. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".

154. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

155. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

156. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

157. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".

158. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

159. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

160. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

161. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."

162. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".

163. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.

164. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

165. You bring your dog to work with you.

166. If your richest relative buys a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it, you might be a redneck.

167. If you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre...

168. If you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off...

169. If you've ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass...

170. If you've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley...

171. If your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police department..

172. If The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut

173. If you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

174. If you think heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida...

175. If there is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your home...

176. If you consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment..

177. If your lifetime goal is to own your own fireworks stand...

178. If your bicycle has a gun rack...

179. If you prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them

180. I you go to a stock car race and don't need a program...

181. If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle...

182. If your junior-senior prom had a day-care center...

183. If less than half the cars you own run...

184. If you grow your sideburns longer & fuller because it looks so good on your sister...

185. If your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.

186. If the primary color of your car is "Bond-O"...

187. If Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses...

188. If You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom...

189. If your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick...

190. If you are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.

191. If you own a denim leisure suit.

192. If Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road"...

193. If the UFO Hotline limits you to one call per day...

194. If you know how many bales of hay your car can hold...

195. If you've ever used a Weed Eater indoors.

196. If you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures...

197. If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain...

198. If the kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have the Yosemite Sam mud flaps...

199. If your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices...

200. If you've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot...

201. If you made a homemade hot-tub with a trolling motor...

202. If you use your mailbox to hold up one end of your clothesline...

203. If you don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much...

204. If you owe a taxidermist more than your annual income...

205. If during your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off...

206. If you've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle...

207. If hail hits your house and you take it to the body shop for an estimate...

208. If you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover...

209. If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people...

210. If you have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong...

211. If you didn't put the pink plastic flamingoes in your front yard as a joke.

212. If the manager of the sewage treatment plant tells you it's time to wash your hair...

213. If everybody you meet can tell you what kind of underwear your wearing...

214. If your family tree does not fork...

215. If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan...

216. If you see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car...

217. If you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.

218. If you have a rag for a gas cap...

219. If you think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.

220. If a man lights your cigarette and your show him your bra...

221. If the dog can't watch you eat without gagging...

222. If the crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been for more than a year...

223. If you show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm...

224. If you have to dress the kids up to go to K-Mart...

225. If you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window...

226. If You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital...

227. If Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup...

228. If your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event...

229. If your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read...

230. If you've ever had to turn your pick-up truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions...

231. If you've ever barbecued Spam on the grill...

232. If you are famous for your homemade squash wine...

233. If you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call..."

234. If you have to recrank your car at ever intersection...

235. If the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights...

236. If you've ever ridden all the way to Florida with your bare feet hanging out the car window...

237. If you ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic...

238. If you view duct tape as a long-term investment...

239. If you regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying"...

240. If your grandmother has ever stopped to relieve herself on thr side of the highway...

241. If your brother-in-law is also your uncle...

242. If you grow corn in your front yard...

243. If you've ever hit a bump on the highway and lost half your worldly possessions...

244. If you bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work...

245. If Red Man Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card...

246. If every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck...

247. If you've ever hit a jukebox with a cue stick...

248. If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade...

249. If you've ever taken a beer to a job interview...

250. If you've ever stolen a bulldozer...

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251. If your dress is strapless and your bra isn't...

252. If after the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles...

253. If you smoked during your wedding...

254. If your father fully executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

255. If every day, people come to your house mistakenly thinking you're having a yard sale...

256. If the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones...

257. If all of your four-letter words are two syllables...

258. If you cut your toenails in front of company...

259. If you've ever been too drunk to fish...

260. If you view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women...

261. If hitchhikers won't get in the car with you...

262. If your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive...

263. If you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland...

264. If you've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts...

265. If your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does...

266. If no matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side...

267. If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs...

268. If the front license plate of your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush...

269. If you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean...

270. If you think "The dishwasher is broke" means your wife has no money...

271. If you can spit without opening your mouth...

272. If you buy a color-coordinated rope to tie down your car hood...

273. If You've ever started a position to have the National Anthem changed to "Freebird"...

274. If you think Outdoor Life is deep reading...

275. If you've ever written Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot...

276. I the "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site...

277. If you call your boss "dude"...

278. If your new job promotion means the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts...

279. If you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy...

280. If the diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute"

281. If you have grease under your toenails...

282. If you consider your license plate to be "personalized" because your father made it...

283. If you mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board...

284. If you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader...

285. If the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "What the hell are you lookin' at, Diphead?"...

286. If you honest-to-God in your heart believe that Ted Nugent rules...

287. If you've ever driven a car into the top of a tree...

288. If you've ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance.

289. If the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne...

290. If you think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups...

291. If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding...

292. If you are allowed to bring your dog to work...

293. If you've ever cleaned fish in your living room...

294. If you've ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor...

295. If a man asks you to dance and you take off you clothes and climb on a table...

296. If you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug...

297. If you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior...

298. If during your wedding ceremony, the minister said, "Do you,---, take--- to be your old lady?"

299. If you think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

300. If you actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper...

301. If there is a laminated picture of Rambo on your headboard...

302. If after removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find you get 15 more miles to the gallon...

303. If your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend's tattoos...

304. If you pawned your grandfather's pocket watch because you need beer money for the weekend...

305. If it's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your uniform...

306. If you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a "freebie" at the House of Tattoos.

307. If you've ever had sex in a satellite dish...

308. If your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack...

309. If you wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson...

310. If someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the GTO...

311. If you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair...

312. If your sister's educational goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant...

313. If after making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window...

314. If you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt...

315. If you've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like...

316. If you don't need a clean shirt to go to work...

317. If you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product...

318. If your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week"

319. If truckers tell your wife to watch her language...

320. If you've ever slapped the back of someone's hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken...

321. If when packing for vacation, your biggest decision is whether to use paper or plastic...

322. If there are four pair pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline...

323. If the family business requires a lookout...

324. If you think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped..

325. If you slam the door on your truck and your shotgun creates an instant sunroof...

326. If you have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can ride in the truck, too...

327. If you've ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil...

328. If you have to take the entire day off worked to get you teeth cleaned...

329. If your mother has ever been arrested for poaching...

330. If you've ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine...

331. If your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security alarm...

332. If anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas"...

333. If you consider dating second cousins as "playing the field"...

334. If you've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins...

335. If you've ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge...

336. If you've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket...

337. If your welcome mat says, "you'd better have a search warrant."

338. If you've ever named a child for a good dog...

339. If the only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a shotgun...

340. If you converted your carport into a beauty shop...

341. If you think the "6-10 pounds" on the side on the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold...

342. If you've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"

343. If you've ever rolled your riding lawn mower...

344. If your idea of a summer vacation is running through the sprinkler in the front yard...

345. If stealing road signs is a family outing...

346. If the cockroaches left you a note saying "Clean this place up!"

347. If you forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house...

348. If you hold a frog and it worries about getting warts...

349. If you paint your car with house paint...

350. If you can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite...

351. If you're still upset about Gunsmoke being canceled...

352. If you drove to elementary school...

353. If you have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens...

354. If you've ever lost your wife in a poker game...

355. If you think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other...

356. If your sister subscribes to Soldier of Fortune magazine...

357. If anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living...

358. If your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner...

359. If the original color of your carpet remains a mystery...

360. If You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower...

361. If you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive...

362. If you say "I heard dat!" more than three times in a two-minute conversation...

363. If you know how to milk a goat...

364. If everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rear-view mirror...

365. If you have a tire swing in your house...

366. If you local funeral home has a neon sign in the window...

367. If you write off a radiator as a business expense...

368. If your best pick-up line is written on your baseball cap...

369. If your mailbox is made out of old auto parts...

370. If you've ever vacationed in a rest area...

371. If you think the Yellow pages have something to do with training a puppy.

372. If you refer to your van as "The Love Machine"

373. If you have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify...

374. If your kids have a 3-day -old Kool-Aid mustache...

375. If you've ever taken out a restraining order against your mother-in-law.

376. If you sell rabbits out of your car...

377. If you think people you have electricity are uppity...

378. If your talent in the local beauty pageant was make noises with your armpit

379. If your bowling ball has a bumper sticker on it...

380. If your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday...

381. If your two-year-old has more teeth than you do...

382. If Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night...

383. If you bring a bar of soap to a public pool...

384. If all of your relative's cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window

385. If you wash your car more often than your kids...

386. If you're not allowed to mention the game warden's name in the house...

387. If you see a sign that says "say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

388. If your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes...

389. If your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill...

390. If there are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus...

391. If blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard...

392. If everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator...

393. If you offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

394. If you can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car...

395. If your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure...

396. If you belt buckle is bigger than your head...

397. If the Orkin man tells you "give up, you've lost"

398. if you keep a pellet gun by the front door.

399. If you car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it...

400. If you've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home...

401. If any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern...

402. If your idea of a really big time is shooting rats at the dump...

403. If you've ever been the first person in or the last person out of a video arcade...

404. If there are antlers nailed to the side of your house.

405. If you've ever left Santa Claus a PBR and a Slim Jim...

406. If your parrot can say, "Open up! It's the police!"

407. If you think paprika is a third-world country...

408. You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.

409. If your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb...

410. If you think "recycling" means going home from work...

411. If you think toilet water is exactly that...

412. If you think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport...

413. If you shop for groceries at a gas station...

414. If your car stereo costs more than your car.

415. If you wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.

416. If you come back from the dump with more than you took.

417. If your dog doubles as your dishwasher.

418. If you live so far out in the country that your newspaper is yellow by the time you get it.

419. If your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.

420. If your dog can smoke a cigarette.

421. If you've ever heckled during a eulogy.

422. The Roto-Rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that smell?"

423. If your wading boots double as dress pants.

424. If the last photos of your mama were taken from the front and the side.

425. If the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.

426. If people hunt in your yard.

427. If taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

428. If your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

429. If there is a puddle in your driveway year-round.

430. If you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.

431. If today's dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday.

432. If your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

433. If your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.

434. If your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.

435. If you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year."

436. If your mother gives you tips on how to sneak liquor into sports events.

437. If your idea of going formal is a black truck.

438. If you have a tattoo that says "Born to bag groceries."

439. If all the art in your living room was purchased at gas stations.

440. If your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

441. If breakfast every morning is interrupted by someone asking, "Anybody seen my teeth?"

442. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

443. If your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.

444. If you wake up with Red Man in your hair.

445. If you keep catfish in your aquarium.

446. If your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.

447. If when you talk about great mullet fishermen, Granny's name always comes up.

448. If you have orange road cones in your living room.

449. If you can take your bra off while driving.

450. If you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.

451. If your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.

452. If you walking into a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth.

453. If you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells."

454. If you can't schedule a family reunion until after the parole board meets.

455. If you have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.

456. If you get your oil changed by your barber.

457. If girls' night out is held at the Laundromat.

458. If on your honeymoon you leave the driving to Greyhound.

459. If there is ham hanging from your front porch.

460. If you can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.

461. If your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.

462. If you have to mow your driveway.

463. If you give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.

464. If you can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

465. If bikers back down from your mama.

466. If you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

467. If you own a home that's mobile and five cars that aren't.

468. If you think the stock market has a fence around it.

469. If your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

470. If you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu/

471. If your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

472. If you've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

473. If you own a homemade fur coat.

474. If chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.

475. If you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

476. If any of your children were conceived in a car wash.

477. If your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

478. If you refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

479. If you read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

480. If the Salvation Army declines your mattress.

481. If you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

482. If you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

483. If your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

484. If your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

485. If someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

486. If when describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."

487. If birds are attracted to your beard.

488. If your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

489. If your were shooting pool when any of your children were born.

490. If you have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

491. If you've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

492. If your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

493. If you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

494. If you've ever held up someone with a caulk gun.

495. If you've ever attended a dance at the bus station.

496. If you've ever given rat traps as a gift.

497. If you swapped a set of tires for your wife's wedding ring.

498. If you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.

499. If the most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

500. If you always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.

501. If you clean your fingernails with a stick.

502. If you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.

503. If your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

504. If you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

505. If you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

506. If your Christmas tree or Christmas lights are still up in February.

507. If you've ever been arrested for loitering.

508. If you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

509. If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

510. If you own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.

511. If your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.

512. If every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

513. If you've totaled every car you've ever owned.

514. If there are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floor of your car.

515. If Mama taught you how to flip a cigarette.

516. If you've never paid for a haircut.

517. If there is a wasp nest in your living room.

518. If the Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice.

519. If you think the traffic sign "MERGE" is a personal challenge.

520. If you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

521. If there has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

522. If you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

523. If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree at the corner.

524. If the taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

525. If your car has never had a full tank of gas.

526. If your mother has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the high school principal.

527. If you've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.

528. If you think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

529. If you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

530. If your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

531. If your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.

532. If you think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

533. If you have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.

534. If your mama tore her best dress coon hunting.

535. If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

536. If you're considered an expert on worm beds.

537. If you own a pair of knee-high moccasins.

538. If your kids take a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

539. If the dog catcher calls for back-up when visiting your house.

540. If the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.

541. If you haul more than U-Haul.

542. If your mother has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

543. If your most recent business improvement was repainting your Garage Sale sign.

544. If your wedding was held in the delivery room.

545. If you've ever bought a used cap.

546. If your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

547. If your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

548. If your baby's first words are, "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

549. If you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

550. If your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

551. If your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

552. If in an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.

553. If you pick your teeth from a catalog.

554. If your masseuse uses lard.

555. If you can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

556. If your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in 13 states.

557. If you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

558. If you think Long John Silver is formal underwear.

559. If your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

560. If you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

561. If you've ever financed a tattoo.

562. If you've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.

563. If you use a fishing license as a form of ID.

564. If your stomach is bigger than any shirt you own.

565. If your grandmother knows how to correctly execute the sleeper hold.

566. If on stag night, you take a real deer.

567. If you use a '55 Chevy as a guest house.

568. If your back porch is bigger than your house.

569. If you've ever stolen toilet paper.

570. If there is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.

571. If your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's

572. If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

573. If a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

574. If you can't understand why there are no tuxedos made of flannel.

575. If an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

576. If you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

577. If you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

578. If your secret family recipe is illegal

579. If your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

580. If your kid's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.

581. If your coat of arms features kudzu.

582. If your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

583. If you think people who send out high school graduation announcements are show-offs.

584. If your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

585. If your pocketknife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."

586. If people hear your car a long time before they see it.

587. If you think cur is a breed of dog.

588. If the man from the power company threatens to cut off your service,

and

589. you threaten to cut off something of his in return.

590. If your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

591. If your satellite dish payment delays buying back-to-school clothes for the kids.

592. If your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

593. If your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

594. If your birth announcement included the words "rug rat."

595. If you've ever hitchhiked naked.

596. If you're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

597. If you use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.

598. If your Christmas cards have a Xerox copy of your butt included.

599. If your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

600. If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

601. If your screen door has no screen.

602. If the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

603. If your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

604. If you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

605. If taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

606. If there is a lawsuit currently pending against your dog.

607. If you take a fishing pole into Sea World.

608. If the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

609. If you've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

610. If you've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.

611. If Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

612. If your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

613. If you think mud wrestling should be an Olympic sport.

614. If people are scared to touch your bathrobe.

615. If the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business.

616. If you list your parole officer as a reference.

617. If there are more fish on your walls than pictures.

618. If Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

619. If there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

620. If you think a turtleneck is a key ingredient to soup.

621. If at the dog track, you always bet on the dog that does his business right before the race starts.

622. If you fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

623. If you've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.

624. If your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

625. If you local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

626. If you watch cartoons long after your kids become bored.

627. If you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

628. If you consider yourself an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in your front yard.

629. If you ever exceeded the limit on your credit card buying a pig.

630. If you have "rotting 'possum" scented incense.

631. If there is an autographed picture of a pro wrestler displayed anywhere in your home.

632. If you honest-to-God believe that the most appropriate song to play at a wedding is "Stand by Your Man."

633. If you named your first-born son Hank Williams.

634. If you think tractor pull is the sport of the 21st century.

635. If you think Zamfir is a kind of rash.

636. If you think the South should once again secede from the Union.

637. If you own a Harley-Davidson T-shirt but don't own a Harley-Davidson.

638. If you change your underwear once a week whether it needs it or not.

639. If you own more than one Kiss album.

640. If you own any Kenny Rogers albums.

641. If you can gargle the theme song to The Andy Griffith Show.

642. If you like your women just a little on the trashy side.

643. If you've ever played poker until 4:30 in the morning.

644. If you've ever stolen a town's "Welcome to..." sign.

645. If you've ever had a wet dream about your sister.

646. If your personal hero is Dale Earnhardt.

647. If you have fewer teeth than you do fingers.

648. If your champagne and caviar is an RC Cola and a Moon Pie.

649. If you know what song I stole #484.

650. If you sit around an talk about the great taste of PBR.

651. If a prostitute has ever told you "no"--when you've had enough money.

652. If you wear a flannel bra.

653. If you think Neil Young is the Anti-Christ.

654. If your high school colors are brown.

655. If your mama has ever been the only one left standing at the end of a rumble.

656. If your idea of fine China is brand-new plastic wear.

657. If you've ever eaten 'possum

658. If you've ever been involved in a tongue-length contest.

659. If you thought that the 2 guys in Deliverance were your cousins.

660. If you were drunk during your wedding ceremony.

661. If your oldest child is 12 years younger than you are.

662. If you've ever had a threesome consisting of you, your wife, and your dog.

663. If you've ever shouted, "The South shall rise again!"

664. If your neck really is red, you might be a redneck.

 

Added June 2004 from Bill S.
You know your a redneck when you load your kitchen full of dirty dishes into the bed of your pickup and go to the local carwash to clean em.

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