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GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery

2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Yoweh
__ Jehova
__ Jesus
__ Alah
__ Satan
__ God
__ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
__________________________________________

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes
__ No
If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Cthulhu
__ Zeus
__ Appolo
__ Ra
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ A burning cabbage
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Bill Clinton
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Television
__ Palmistry
__ Self-help books
__ Dianetics
__ Biorythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ ESP
__ Mantras
__ Crystals
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Lottery
__ Insurance policies
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Ann Landers
__ Bill Clinton
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ None
__ Other: _______________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

A. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

B. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5
than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Sadam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):